


Afraid of Dreaming

by greenflower21



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Coping, Depressed Levi Ackerman, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eye Trauma, Grief/Mourning, Headaches & Migraines, Hurt, Hurt Levi Ackerman, Hurt/Comfort, Levi Ackerman Needs a Hug, Light Angst, M/M, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Pain, Past Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith, Platonic Hange Zoë & Levi, Post-Return to Shiganshina Arc (Shingeki no Kyojin), Return to Shiganshina Arc Spoilers (Shingeki no Kyojin), Sick Character, Stressed Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Tired Levi Ackerman, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-27 22:53:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30130086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenflower21/pseuds/greenflower21
Summary: Everyone is grieving and tired after the return from Shiganshina. Hange and Levi both struggle to cope in the aftermath of losing their comrades. Hange shoulders their new responsibility as commander and Levi is exhausted from the mission. The decision to save Armin's life instead of Erwin's haunts his dreams and leaves him unable to sleep. Despite their struggles, there is still work to be done though; but all Levi wants is to rest, and for the pain to go away, and all Hange wants is for the piles of work that are building up around them to disappear so they can mourn in peace. It is up to the survivors to comfort and support each other (This fic is SAD fair warning, but also wholesome)
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	Afraid of Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is about the direct aftermath of Shiganshina. I tried to show both Levi and Hange coping with the grief of losing both Moblit and Erwin. There is Erwin/Levi implied but it isn't the main focus of the story. It is very angsty and sad (just because it involves a lot of loss and frustration) It was mostly supposed to be Levi-centric but I ended up getting a chance to explore some of Hange's character as well! 
> 
> *I do not own Attack on Titan, the characters and events depicted are fictional and come entirely from the AOT universe. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

The sky had been perpetually gray ever since they left Shiganshina. Rain threatened to fall, but the heavy skies of the early autumn were still too numb to shed any tears for the bleak band of survivors that lumbered back to Wall Rose on Eren’s shoulders, wounded, weary and defeated. Levi gripped his precious cargo tightly with white knuckles, wrapped up in a tattered survey corps cloak.

He gripped that bundle with a face that was masked and gray the whole way to Trost, stalwart against the muffled whispers and questions from garrison soldiers the second they were lifted up onto the safety of the wall. Deep shadows lined Levi’s face, and he shielded his boon in silence…the only thing that proved the steep cost of Shiganshina’s fateful expedition.

He was hardly aware of the journey into the city, the tall, towering buildings stifling in comparison to the open, damp plains that they had blundered over all day. He half expected burning debris to rain down on them from the rooftops, or for heavy footsteps to shake the ground. He almost longed to be atop the wall again, where he would be able to feel. The wind on his face, where the sky could remind him that it was still real, and where the heavy burden if his choice was not so heavy. It stared down at him from every window, like crows circling a battlefield waiting for the dead.

They entered the barracks, their garrison escort forming a ring around them in the courtyard; their shield from the whispers and stares that surrounded them.

They were given no time to rest, to bathe, or to think. Levi and Hange stood in a briefing room listening to questions, answering and relaying as needed, going through the motions, their voices mechanical in the stiff atmosphere of the room.

What was needed to be said was said.

If Levi was ever asked to recall exactly how that de-briefing went, the only thing he could remember was how the walls felt like they were closing in on them, how his hands were stiff and cold in the chilly shadows, and how they shook slightly as he placed Shiganshina’s trophy down on the table for all the curious eyes that contemplated it.

Decisions were made- decisions that resulted in Eren and Mikasa’s disciplinary confinement for ten days, as punishment for their insubordination- decisions that left Levi and Hange exhausted and dejected. There were reports to write, death notices to sign, letters to write, research to compile, and items to inspect.

Once they were out in the corridor, Levi shivered slightly leaving him uneasily dizzy in the cold, stone hallway. “You should go get your eye looked at by a medic,” his voice was monotonous and uncomfortably reverberant in the confines of the hall.

Hange nodded. “I know, that’s where I’m going now. You aren’t hurt are you?”

Levi shook his head, too exhausted to use his voice. _No wounds that they can see on the outside anyway…_

“We can get started on the report tomorrow. Go rest, you look about ready to keel over,” pointed out Hange.

Levi nodded and prepared to walk back to his quarters, wanting nothing more than to wash off the layers of dust, blood and sweat from his aching body.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” he said as Hange walked away in the opposite direction, leaving Levi alone.

When Levi finally shut the door to his room behind him, he released the long breath that he had been holding ever since he had set foot atop Wall Rose a few hours ago.

He sat down in the chair by his desk and just lingered there for a few moments. _I’m disgusting, I need to get all this gear off…_ whispered his thoughts accusingly, but his body lacked the energy. _Just a few moments…I’ll just rest here… just for a second…_

Levi was alone between two broken bodies. The rooftop was eerily quiet. He knew that Eren and Mikasa were sobbing somewhere down below, but he couldn’t hear them. He could only detect the loud buzzing whispers of the dead, about to depart, but lingering to have a silent debate in the shimmering air between their decaying bodies.

Levi reached for Erwin’s arm, picking it up as gently as he could, scant warmth still weakly pleading into Levi’s touch. But suddenly the dead limb spasmed, shocking Levi’s arm backwards.

Erwin’s eyes opened, and Levi nearly cried out, because they weren’t blue anymore, but empty. They glared, accusation pulling Levi down like an empty black chasm. “You could have saved me Levi…You could have taken me to the basement…Levi it was my dream… Don’t you have dreams Levi…?”

Levi shook, taking a step backwards but slipping on the blood-stained roof tiles. He fell a few feet down with a gasp.

“Humanity is doomed,” Erwin continued. “We trusted you to save it…but even humanity’s strongest failed…even humanity’s strongest is still human, is still weak…”

A roar sounded behind Levi. He turned around. Armin’s body was gone from where it had balanced before, dark and charred, mouth agape with the horror of his last moments. He had been so small, just like a shadow in the wooden roof beams. But now a huge, ugly beast reared up behind him, the rooftop creaking threateningly under its weight.

Before Levi could reach his gear or shield Erwin, the titan reached its abnormally large hand down and grabbed Levi. He writhed as the titan bit down around his neck. The last thought in his mind was Erwin’s blue gaze, piercing him with daggers of regret.

Levi gasped and almost fell out of the chair. His eyes were still pulsating with the harsh blue of Erwin’s dead eyes. He could still feel hot blood dripping down his neck. He clasped a hand to his jaw, expecting it to come away sticky and red, but then he shook with relief; it was only sweat. He sat there, shaking and trying to catch his breath for as long as it took for his heartbeat to slow down to a normal rate…too long.

Once his legs had steadied enough to stand, he immediately stripped his soiled gear from his body, shaking hands struggling to undo the endless belt loops and stiff buttons. Then he mechanically washed away the layers of dirt, and dust, and blood, and sweat, and regret, as if the water could eliminate the haunting memories that stuck to his body like salt. He scrubbed until his skin was raw. Then he stood there for a long second, shivering in the dark solitude of the room.

_Come on Levi, pull yourself together._ He dumped the rest of the water over his head, gasping when the cold hit him. Still shivering, he fell clumsily into bed and begged for the night to let him sleep.

Levi didn’t sleep, not really. Every time he started to close his eyes, he felt cold teeth against his neck, and blue eyes boring into him, blinding and painful. Hours later, when the sun started to peek through the misted window-panes, he was lying dazed, eyes half-closed, afraid of sleeping, even more afraid of dreaming, but too exhausted to do anything else.

_No Levi, you can’t just sit here and feel sorry for yourself. There are things to do…_ He groaned and climbed out of bed.

He shuffled into Erwin’s old office, still feeling stiff and lethargic. Hange was standing by the window, an untouched cup of tea on the desk, looking just as drained as Levi felt.

They turned around when Levi entered, offering a wan, half-smile. “I suppose this is my office now…somehow it doesn’t feel right though…”

Levi leaned against the door frame, trying to avoid looking at the window. All the light was starting to look like accusatory blue eyes, stabbing into his head and building up slowly into a dull pain that reverberated in his skull every time he looked at it.

“Well,” said Hange, “let’s go get this over with.”

They exited and walked into the briefing room together where they would deliver their mission report to the Military officials meticulously recording every word. 

Levi didn’t really remember the details of that conversation. They discussed what they needed to, both of them clearly too tired for anything else. By the end of the briefing, the pain in his head had worsened to a cold, burning ache that radiated from his eyes down to the back of his neck.

When it was his turn to deliver, his words felt sluggish. He recounted the painful details of everything, his final conversation with Erwin, the struggle on the rooftop, and the findings in the basement. He wanted nothing more but to lie down, the memories alone exhausting him as he stood there before the officials.

Finally it was over. Hange and Levi were dismissed and they returned to Erwin’s office. Levi leaned against the wall, hating the fact that the room still smelled like Erwin; like polished wood and fresh tea leaves, new paper and clean leather…

Hange was saying something but he wasn’t focused. He gritted his teeth against the pain. His limbs felt heavy as he leaned against the wall, energy deflating quickly. He wanted to just lie in the corner and close his eyes. _I can’t close my eyes, because if I do, I’ll dream…_ He shuddered and removed himself from the wall, ignoring the dizziness that came with it.

“I’m going to go get started on all that paperwork,” his voice sounded shaky, too quiet, but still grating and loud against his ears as he spoke. He rubbed his temples, as if that would help, he wasn’t sure why, because it didn’t. All he knew was that he had to get out of this room: Erwin’s presence was everywhere, and every second Levi spent in its shadow was like a thousand blades stabbing into his heart, blinding him with blue eyes, their light receding before him infinitely.

“Levi, are you alright?” Hange prodded.

“Just a headache,” he grunted briskly, and then left the room before they could ask any more questions. He didn’t want Hange feeling bad and taking on more work themselves just because Levi couldn’t deal with a little pain. _Pathetic, I’ve done harder jobs in worse pain than this._ He shuffled back down the hall and opened the door to his room. He sat down at the desk with a piece of paper and a pen.

He lifted it above the paper, unsure where to start.

He was poised above the blank sheet, pen in hand like a syringe, the paper the blueprint for his decision.

And then he was back on the rooftop. There was a figure beside him.

“I thought I told you never to regret Levi,” the figure said, turning to look at him again with those piercing blue eyes.

“Erwin,” Levi whispered, “You’re dead…”

Erwin looked down at his body, covered in blood and gaping wounds. “Yes, I know.”

“…I-I sent you to your death Erwin,” gasped Levi.

“Levi…” Erwin reached out his hand and brushed it against Levi’s cheek. The hand was ice cold- dead- not warm and hardy as it had been in life.

“I wish that this decision had not been left to me Erwin,” Levi sighed, reaching up his own shaky hand to clasp Erwin’s.

“You were the only one that could have made the hardest choice,” Erwin’s voice was getting quieter. “Remember Levi, no regrets.”

Levi closed his eyes tight, caressing Erwin’s strong hand, lamenting that every second he clung on, it was getting colder.

“Erwin, forget what I said, don’t give up on your dream,” his voice shook, “don’t die…”

He opened his eyes, expecting to see Erwin there beside him, but he groaned when he saw it was only his dim, empty room. His head was plastered to the blank paper that still had nothing written on it, cold sweat breaking out over his brow.

He sat up gingerly but quickly gasped as sharp pain shot through his head. Instead of receding as he expected it to, it stayed there for several long moments and all he could do was lean there with his palm pressed against his forehead, taking slow, deep breaths while he waited for the pain to pass.

It dissipated enough that he was able to raise himself from the chair, but he ended up feeling so dizzy from the movement that he had no choice but to sit straight back down again. 

“Damn it,” he cursed under his breath.

A knock sounded on the door, the noise loud enough to send new tremors of pain up through his head. He whimpered softy, unable to maintain any pretense of control anymore.

“Levi?” said Hange’s voice, “Can I come in?”

He didn’t give them an answer, but sure enough, the door creaked open anyway a few seconds later.

“Levi, I was coming to see-” but Hange stopped abruptly when they saw Levi hunched over at his desk, eyes shut tight, holding his head in his hands. “Levi what’s wrong?” They rushed over and put both hands on his shoulders.

He grunted in pain at the sudden movement. “Hange- my head…”

Hange lowered their voice, “Come on, I’m going to help you get to your bed,” gently prodding him under the shoulders, he was able to slowly allow himself to be guided upwards. The dizziness was even worse than the last time he had tried to stand. Bright silver lights spun in his vision, even with his eyes closed, and they stung like a direct beam of sunlight reflecting off a surface. He leaned into Hange’s tall frame the whole way across the room, grateful when he was finally lowered down onto the bed.

He moaned softly as Hange gently released him, barely noticing as they took off his shoes and his jacket. They went straight over to the window and closed the shutters, making the room even darker than it was before.

“Thank you,” Levi groaned.

Hange came back and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I haven’t seen you get one this bad since…”

_Not since Farlan and Isabel._ He remembered. He hadn’t been able to move for days, the pain had been so excruciating. The other soldiers might have pitied him, but Levi thought that they were mostly afraid. They left him alone. The only person that had seemed to care whether he was alright or not was Hange, who had brought him water and asked him if he was in pain. Then Erwin himself had come into the crowded barracks and carried Levi away to a quiet, dark place where he could rest away from the whispers and stares, and light, and noise…there was so much noise…but in that dark room, it had been quiet. If Erwin had been in there at all while Levi slept, he was so silent that his presence was undetectable. To this day, Levi wasn’t sure why Erwin had shown him this kindness, especially when Levi had only just failed to kill him.

Levi now sank into a state of unconsciousness- it wasn’t sleep, no, he was in too much pain for sleep- but he was in a strange state in between sleeping and waking. The silver lights still danced in his closed eyes, sometimes looking like the shape of Erwin’s face, but it would only stay for an instant before vanishing into something indiscernible.

At one point, Hange must have left, but they later returned, because he was aware of the door creaking open, and a new weight sat on the bed signaling that someone had sat down.

“Here Levi, drink this, it’ll help with the pain,” Hange put a gentle hand on the back of his neck and helped him lift his head enough to drink some kind of tasteless liquid. He moaned and sank back down, hoping he wouldn’t get sick in front of Hange; he still had enough pride left even in his pathetic state to aggressively will the nausea to pass.

He drifted back into that in-between sleep state again. At one point he was aware of Hange placing a wet cloth onto his forehead. The coldness of it was enough to instill a brief respite to the agony that pulsated behind his eyes.

Luckily, whatever Hange had given him started to dull the pain just enough that he didn’t feel sick anymore, but it also made him feel torpid and heavy, the pain weighing him down and sinking him further away from consciousness.

“Is it working? Asked Hange very quietly. Their voice sounded like it was very far away.

“Uhmmm…” murmured Levi.

“Can you sleep?”

He sighed inertly in response, already feeling Hange’s presence getting foggy as he finally relinquished his restless hold on consciousness and fell into a deep stupor. 

Hange waited until Levi was definitely asleep before getting up from their perch on the bed. They pulled the blankets up to completely cover him and dampened the cloth again before tiptoeing out of the room and shutting the door gently behind them.

_Poor thing, he’s absolutely exhausted._ They sighed. _I’m not feeling too energetic myself._ There was still more work to do; an endless list of paperwork, reports, letters, signatures, briefings, research… _This is all so hard to keep track of without Moblit here to keep me on my feet…_ a lump started forming in their throat, but they quickly pushed it away. _No, you can grieve in your own time, Moblit wouldn’t want you to abandon your duty to science._ But right now, the prospect of going into the lab and poring over Reiner’s letter for Christa did not sound appealing. It sounded lonely, and tiring, and painful.

_You’re losing focus Hange,_ they chided themselves, and for a second they thought it was Moblit’s voice in their head, pushing them in the right direction. They regained their composure and went down to the mess hall. _I need to be around others right now-all this time alone with my thoughts is starting to make my head spin._

They sat down with a sigh at the table in the corner where Armin, Jean, Connie and Floch were sitting.

“Commander,” they all muttered respectfully as Hange sat down. _Commander…somehow the title still felt wrong._ The mood was very somber, their food lying mostly untouched and their eyes all downcast.

“Where’s Captain Levi?” asked Armin quietly.

_Might as well tell them the truth…_

“He’s not feeling very well,” they divulged, “So he’s resting.”

“Is he alright?” returned Armin, eyes widening in concern.

“Oh he’ll be fine,” reassured Hange, trying to sound more confident than they actually felt. “He’s just overworked and overtired.”

Armin nodded and they all returned to sitting in silence, but the worry in his face remained. Tension filled the air around the table, unspoken exhaustion tainting their grim meal and thoughts of their captain, usually a stoic pillar of resolve, lying ill in bed. His strength was gone, and so with it, a piece of all theirs disappeared as well.

Levi didn’t get out of bed the next day, still in too much pain to move, and well past a point where he could even attempt sleep. He just laid there, curled up, head pounding, blue and silver lights blinding him even when he closed his eyes.

Hange was there sometimes, speaking to him softly and keeping a cold cloth on his brow, but the relief it provided was limited.

“What can I do Levi?” Hange whispered, gently brushing sweat soaked strands of hair out of his face. “I hate to see you in so much pain, I wish I could do something…”

_Erwin…Erwin could hold me, and then I wouldn’t feel like I’m spinning. His warm body could keep out the noise. If only his hand could hold my head, lend me some of his strength…then maybe I wouldn’t be falling…maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much…_

But Levi couldn’t speak, so he just whimpered dejectedly while Hange brushed their fingertips over his forehead, the rhythmic motions comforting, transporting him into another dream.

This time, he was lying in a bed in a dark room. It smelled different, not like polished wood and leather like the barracks did, but like fresh linen, and plain milk soap. There was an underlying mustiness there too, but it was well masked by the clean, carefully curated scent of the sheets that he was curled up beneath.

A woman was sitting on the edge of the bed, small hands brushing his hair out of his eyes. It wasn’t Hange. This woman had long, black hair and pale, delicate hands that held a mysterious strength in them, a fierceness that Levi could feel as they brushed against his face.

She was singing very softly. There were no words that Levi could decipher, but the melody was simple, and beautiful. He wanted to stay there forever, clean and soft and warm. Like this he could sleep. He could finally rest…a single tear formed in the corner of his tired eyes, because somehow he knew that this was only a dream, that it wasn’t real, and somewhere else he was in pain, and he was alone.

Hange was ready to admit that they were struggling. Erwin had always made it look so easy, quietly working away, meticulously following his own set of rules, a pillar of order and organization amid the bustle of life as Commander of the Survey Corps. And Levi was always there in the background, so quiet you might hardly notice him, but he mechanically worked in the shadows, doing the menial tasks that were easily forgotten in the moment but that would pile up later if they weren’t done consistently. But now Erwin was dead, and Levi was too sick to work, and Hange was spinning. Without Moblit there to help them, they were having to work twice as hard on compiling their notes from the mission, recording their findings about the new titans-the beast and the cart- inspecting Reiner’s letter for Historia….there were so many other things, but Hange’s mind was drifting, unable to keep up with it all.

Moblit was always better at spotting the tiny details that Hange was prone to missing, their head too filled with the big picture to notice what was right in front of them. _I could really use his wisdom right about now…_

One hot tear threatened to form in the corner of their eye. _No not now. I can let myself cry later…first there’s work to do._

Armin was at a loss. He felt so alone, so useless, and weighed down with guilt every time he faced his comrades. He knew that he was only alive because of Eren and Mikasa, but somehow he couldn’t bring himself to go see them. Jean and Connie were both distant, spending a lot of time with each other, and visiting Sasha, but they seemed awkward around Armin, like they didn’t know how to act in his presence. And then there was Floch, who looked at him with distrust and contempt. He also couldn’t forget Hange admitting that they had been in favor of saving Erwin’s life instead, and now he winced with guilt every time he looked at his new commander. And Captain Levi…

Captain Levi had saved Armin’s life, but at what cost? Now Hange was drowning in work, overwhelmed by a promotion they had never wanted, his friends were locked away for making it happen, his comrades didn’t trust him; either that, or they were confused by him. And now Captain Levi was suffering…Armin felt somehow that this too was also his fault.

Armin didn’t see Hange all morning. _They’re probably stressed, probably drowningin work, and it’s all my fault._ He wasn’t sure what made him do it, but he found himself wandering toward the commander’s lab. 

When Armin entered the office, Hange was looking through their microscope at a sheet of paper, feverishly adjusting it back and forth, shoulders hunched in concentration.

“Er, Commander,” announced Armin as he entered.

Hange bristled and tore their eyes away from the microscope, but relaxed when they saw that it was only Armin.

“I-“ Armin stuttered, not sure what he wanted to say, not sure why he had even come. “I wanted to know if you need any help?”

Hange’s shoulders relaxed and Armin noticed how tired they looked. Their unbandaged eye was creased with deep shadows and the familiar gleam that usually glinted observantly in their gaze was dull and far away.

“No, Armin, I’m not-” they took a look around the room and sighed. “If I’m being honest with you I just don’t know. There’s so much to do and I’m not sure what I should be prioritizing right now, and with Levi as he is….” Hange slapped their hands down on the table aggressively.

“Is he ok?” asked Armin quietly.

Hange sighed again. “I don’t know… I worry about him sometimes…actually I worry about him all the time…” they trailed away, looking distractedly back at the microscope. “I should probably go and check on him, but I have so much to do…”

“I could go,” offered Armin, “if that’s helpful?”

Hange’s eyebrows relaxed. “yes Armin, I would appreciate that.” They narrowed their eyes in concentration, then opened a drawer and removed a bottle of some unidentifiable substance.

“Give him a few drops of this,” Hange said, handing it to Armin. “I gave him some yesterday and it seemed to help him sleep a little.”

Armin nodded and then turned around to head towards the Captain’s quarters.

He wasn’t sure if he should bother knocking, but it felt strange not to, so he did, gently. There was no answer, so he pushed the door open very slowly, not prepared at all for how dark it was inside. He tiptoed over to the bed, where Levi was lying on his side, eyes closed, knees pulled up to his chest and one arm draped in front of his face. There was a damp cloth that had long since fallen off his forehead that Armin picked up carefully and wet down again with cold water, placing it back on Levi’s face.

Armin took a second to look at him. He had never seen Levi look this vulnerable before. His breathing was quick, with an unmistakable hitch that signaled pain. Under the compress, his brow was furrowed tightly, not relaxed as it should have been if he was asleep.

He whimpered, like a wounded dog. There was so much pain in that tiny noise that Armin’s eyes widened in shock.

Slowly, the captain opened his eyes just a crack. He seemed to see Armin standing there, but his eyes were unfocused and fluttered shut again almost instantly. “Erwin…?” he groaned in a raspy whisper.

Armin inhaled sharply. “N-no Captain, it’s me, Armin.” _I’m so sorry…_ Armin wanted to cry out, but he knew it wouldn’t help.

“Oh…” sighed Levi, and then whimpered again, clearly still in a lot of pain.

Armin quickly poured some of Hange’s medicine into a cup of water and coaxed Levi upward so he could drink it.

He lowered him down again gingerly, anxious when Levi gasped weakly at the sudden movement.

Armin stayed there for a few minutes, waiting until Levi’s breathing had slowed to signal that the medicine was working, and he was finally asleep. He adjusted the blankets before leaving, glancing back one more time and saying, _“I’m sorry”_ softly with his eyes, even though he knew that Levi couldn’t possibly see him, then he tiptoed quietly from the room.

He traced his steps back to Hange’s lab, but stopped abruptly in the corridor when he heard the sound of raised voices inside…

Hange was still deeply invested in the task of poring over Reiner’s letter. So far, there didn’t seem to be anything outwardly suspicious about it, but then again, it was good to be triple sure before letting it get anywhere near the queen. _There are so many other things to do…I should probably put this aside and go look at that pile of paperwork I left in Erwin’s office._ Levi was good at paperwork. He did it quickly but carefully and never complained. _How does he find the time, how can he focus? He probably does it at night because he never sleeps…_

“Commander Hange,” boomed a gruff voice outside the lab.

Hange turned around, surprised. Premier Zachary himself was standing at the door to the lab, which unfortunately was not in a very presentable state.

“Premier!” squeaked Hange, smoothing their oily hair quickly behind their ears, frustrated when it snagged on their crooked glasses, askew because of the bulky bandage over their eye, which still throbbed uncomfortably. The pain medicine that they had been giving Levi probably would have helped, but one of the side effects was extreme drowsiness (which was why it was doubly good for Levi) but Hange didn’t have time to be droopy and lethargic.

“Commander, I have come on behalf of the records office,” Zachary declared, “There is still paperwork missing from your recent mission to Shiganshina…May I remind you that yourself and Captain Levi as the two surviving officers must also write your own follow up reports? It has been three days since your return, which makes them officially late!”

Annoyance prickled at the back of Hange’s neck. “Premier Zachary please,” their voice was cracking as their resolve started to fail. “We are utterly depleted. Many of our survivors are wounded, two are in detention, and the people we have lost have had a tremendous effect on our efficiency. I must ask for your sympathy and understanding at a time like this.”

Zachary shook his head, “As much as I wish that I could Hange, there are families that need to know what happened to their loved ones. The public is demanding to know what happened. The Queen must be informed! I know you are overwhelmed, but why can’t you allocate some of the paperwork to Captain Levi? Where is he anyway?”

Hange’s face fell. “He’s been in bed for two days Zachary. He’s in a lot of pain, he’s not well! I can’t exactly make him do paperwork now can I?”

They must have sounded harsher than they intended, because Zachary recoiled sharply. “Well then find a way to get it done, maybe spend less time in this disgusting lab! Two days Hange, you have two days to get all those records compiled and reports finished. I will not grant you another extension!”

Zachary huffed and left the room briskly.

Hange formed a fist with their hand under the table, feeling anger build up in their body. _Damn you and your lack of empathy._ They aggressively started shoving Reiner’s letter back in the drawer.

“Commander Hange,” said Armin.

Hange shot upwards quickly. “What is it now?” they snapped.

Armin looked taken aback.

Hange immediately felt guilty. _Get ahold of yourself, it’s not his fault…_

“I-I heard what Premier Zachary said,” began Armin tentatively.

“Oh,” said Hange, “I’m sorry Armin…” then their resolve fell away completely and they staggered where they stood, grabbing onto the edge of the table for support.

“Commander,” Armin came closer and stood respectfully at the table’s edge. “Let us help you. Me and Connie and Jean-even Floch- we can get started on the more menial tasks, copying notes, writing letters, filling out reports…all you need to do is sign them right? That way you’ll have more time to do what you need to, and you can get some rest too.”

Hange placed their head in their hands. They couldn’t help it anymore and hot tears started to appear in the corner of their eyes. _I wish Moblit was here, I wish Erwin was here, and I wish Levi was here…_ Hange became aware of Armin’s hand on their shoulder.

“I know that I am not the person that should be here right now,” he whispered soothingly, “and I’m sorry.”

“No Armin,” returned Hange, “Don’t be sorry, it was a choice that no one should have ever had to make. It’s not your fault,” they giggled slightly then looked up at Armin’s blue eyes, bright and full of concern. “Besides, Erwin was never the comforting type, so he’d be useless in this situation. Thank you Armin.”

He nodded and then backed away.

“How was Levi?” Hange asked, desperate to take attention away from their brief breakdown.

Armin shrugged. “He’s sleeping now, the medicine seemed to help, but he’s still in a lot of pain I think…”

Hange nodded. _So, no change then._

“Commander, I meant what I said before,” Armin’s voice was sincere and steady. “Let us help you. You don’t have to do it all on your own.”

Hange sighed. “I do have to admit, some help would be nice.”

Armin smiled. “Just tell me what to do, I’ll brief the others, and we can start first thing tomorrow.”

 _Okay, maybe we will get through this. Maybe we can keep going even without them._ Feeling tired, but confident, Hange began to go through a list, and Armin attentively kept track. Releasing those bottled up and undone tasks from the recesses of their mind and passing them on to someone else made them feel much lighter. _That just leaves the commander’s report for me to do_. _This will be fine, we will be fine…_

Levi woke up very slowly, his head no longer in as much pain, but it felt heavy, like it had been stuffed full of wool. He felt like he was forgetting something. Feeling very disoriented, he sat up, head still throbbing and slightly dizzy. But this was manageable- uncomfortable- but he could function on uncomfortable.

 _What was it that I needed to do…?_ His thoughts were slow and lethargic, like a dirt road after a heavy rain.

A flash of blue danced in his vision once again, a painful reminder of what he had lost, and what he still needed to do. _Hange probably hasn’t even touched that paperwork yet, and Zachary will want those officer’s reports soon._ He groaned at the thought, but managed to hobble over to the desk, still feeling foggy and unsteady. He raised his pen above the paper, and with a sigh, he painfully allowed the intense imagery of his memories from the rooftop flood his brain, and he feverishly began to scribble them down in his report.

When he finished, he felt like he had just spun through the air on his ODM gear for hours. He wanted nothing more than to get back into bed and close his eyes. _No, there’s more I can do still. I can’t leave Hange in a panic to get it all done…_

He picked up another sheet of paper and started to fill it out, hoping that his shaky grip wouldn’t mar the handwriting too noticeably.

Hange wandered into Levi's room before going to bed. It was already late, and the barracks were silent and empty. Hange knew they should have tried to sleep hours ago, but they had been too jittery after Armin left, so they exerted the sudden burst of energy into tidying the lab to use as a workspace tomorrow. It somehow ended up looking even messier than it had before though, so they huffed in frustration and stormed out of the lab. They didn't want to go to sleep before checking on Levi again though, so here they were. They pushed the door to Levi's room open gently, but then almost gasped in shock. Levi was sitting at his desk, looking very pale and harrowed. He looked up blearily at Hange, his eyes still dull with pain and exhaustion.

“Levi...?” whispered Hange, then their eyes fell on the full sheet of paper that was neatly stacked on the edge of the desk. “Is that the report?”

Levi nodded, then winced, rubbing his forehead with the back of his palm.

“How are you feeling?”

He shrugged weakly, “I’ll live, but damn Hange, I’m tired…” he slumped down in the chair, enervation etched deeply into every line of his face.

Hange leaned against the desk. “You know, you don’t have to do that, Armin and the others are going to help me with all the reports and letters tomorrow.”

“How did you get them to agree to that?” he grunted.

“Actually, they offered, and Zachary has been on my ass about it all day, so I couldn’t exactly refuse,” they sighed. “It’s a relief, we both need a chance to rest, to get our strength back, and to grieve…” their voice trailed away.

Levi twitched slightly and his eyelids started to droop.

“Come on, let’s get you back into bed,” Hange said.

Levi winced as Hange once again helped him across the room, his legs still weak and shaky when he tried to walk on them.

Writing that report had sapped all his energy. He had forced himself to relive every agonizing moment from that rooftop, obliged to remember every pedantic, horrible detail. Each image depleted his strength as he scribbled it down, each voice he recalled from that day sending fresh tendrils of pain into his head.

But it was done. It was done, and the record keepers would leave them alone, and now he could rest, and try to forget.

Levi was already semi-conscious by the time Hange lowered him onto the bed. This time however, he didn’t seem to be drifting on the edge of sleep, in the painful half-dream state. His breathing was slow and even, and his brow relaxed, giving his face a pale softness that was rarely seen on any soldier.

Hange smiled and drew the blankets back up to cover him, then quietly left the room, their own exhaustion already propelling them doggedly to their own bed.

Armin, Connie, Jean and Floch all sat around the table in Hange’s lab the next day, scribbling and copying mechanically, occasionally pushing a report or a letter over for Hange to sign in between taking notes on Reiner’s letter, and compiling their research on the titans. They hadn’t started on their report yet, but they were no longer worried about getting it done on time. They would need to wait to write it until they were alone. It was too distracting with all these people in here.

Fortunately, they made good headway, and the pile of paperwork was complete by the late afternoon. “You are all dismissed,” said Hange joyfully. “Thank you for all your help!”

They saluted gratefully and left, but Armin hung back for a second.

“Will you be okay now?” he asked innocently.

Hange gave him a sincere nod. “Thank you Armin.”

Looking satisfied, he followed the others out, leaving Hange alone.

They tried to start the report as soon as the others left, but somehow the messy lab was making them jittery. They kept finding themselves glancing around the room, at abandoned experiments, askew notes, or forgotten cups of tea. _I need to be somewhere tidy…maybe I should clean the lab?_ They almost slapped themselves in the face at that thought. _No Hange, priorities!_

It took a second of thinking, but then suddenly Hange knew what they needed to do. They stood up with a renewed sense of purpose, and walked down the hallway towards Erwin’s office.

A cloud of dust flew up when they opened the door. _Levi would have a heart attack if he saw the state of this room._ It was tidy, meticulously organized in its own unique combination of practicality and comfort. But a thin layer of dust had gathered over every surface, even though it had only been a few days since someone had been inside.

Hange brushed away the dust and sat down at the desk, feeling much too small in Erwin’s chair. There was a certain strength that came from sitting in that seat that Hange hadn’t been able to find in their lab. They carefully lit the lamp on the desk, and began to write, the words flowing from their pen almost effortlessly.

By the time they finished, the lamp had nearly burned out, and a finished Commander’s account of the whole mission was presented before Hange. They felt utterly drained, minus the faint adrenaline still itching in their fingers. Shakily, they rose form Erwin’s seat and prepared to leave the room. Before locking the door behind them though, they took one look backwards.

“Erwin,” they whispered. “Thank you for lending me your strength, one last time.”

Levi slept. Maybe he dreamed too, he wasn’t sure.

He thought he saw Erwin at one point. They were standing on the roof of the barracks, looking out at the stars.

He reached out and took Levi’s hand. His grasp was strong, and warm, and Levi felt safe. He leaned into Erwin’s broad frame, allowing himself to discard his composure just for this moment. Erwin’s deep blue eyes gazed down at Levi, and there were stars in them.

When Levi woke up, a piece of his consciousness tried to preserve that image of Erwin with stars in his eyes. He became aware of the autumn light filtering through his window and landing on the pile of abandoned paper on his desk. Just as his consciousness once again started to occupy the concrete world of his room, so too, the image from his dreams began to fade without his control. 

When Levi looked out the window, the early morning sky was cloudy, and there were no stars to be seen. They had fled into the recesses of Levi’s unconscious memory, hiding until the next time he dreamed.

Erwin was gone, but the vision of those blue eyes filled with stars still came to Levi’s dreams sometimes, when he slept deeply enough. Even in those rare moments, he always attempted futilely to snatch it before it disappeared. Maybe someday he’d be able to keep it there when he was awake too, maybe he’d be able to rest long and deep enough to stare into those blue eyes filled with stars for longer than just a fleeting dream.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry, that ending was way sadder than I expected it to be! Also, I have NO idea how the military functions or what they do so I just kind of improvised (it might be slightly inaccurate but oh well). And I know Zachary might be a little ooc but I needed him to be a jerk for the sake of the plot. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Thank you for reading!


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